The Unknown

It's 10:30 pm on a Labor Day, 2017 and I am getting anxious for tomorrow morning's appointment with the Gynecologic Oncologist. Not something I ever anticipated having to do, but who does right? Life throws all sorts of obstacles in our way just to see how we tackle them. Well this one is still a bit surreal for me.

I have my outfit, I have my list of questions and I have my husband Paulie joining me (unavoidably the appointment fell on his birthday but he's a trooper but I did bake him a red velvet bunt cake today). Friends and family have wished me well, sent healing thoughts and told me that I've got this. Do I?

I asked my OBGYN who took out my offending uterus that turned out to be have cancer in it, what do I call this diagnosis? She reassured me that I am in good hands and that since the organ has already been removed and the pathology results forwarded to the specialist, he would be the best one to tell me the next steps.

Initially I didn't even know how to address the situation, do I have cancer or is it just some cancer cells or did I have cancer. I was confused even by which tense to use when talking about it. So complicated how to accurately convey the news. I was up front with my family and friends, even online community that I have been a part of since the late 1990s have been given the 'news'.

I have always approached life with reverence and a hearty dose of humor and no doubt will tackle this situation in a similar manner but I have to be honest, I don't know what tomorrow will bring and that has me perplexed.

My Facebook feed displayed a reminder that my 30th High School reunion is next month, the day before my 49th birthday, and I don't know if I can or want to go but it put some things into perspective. I don't feel 48 11/12 and somehow the last three decades of travel, laughter, love and life scrolled by without much fanfare.

I wish I had my bestie by my side tomorrow in tandem with hubby. He was always there for me but his sudden exit in 2009 left my heart pot marked where all the fun and goofy antics we had together resided. Now all my reminiscing is one sided like the time we were at a London Youth Hostel and there was a group of seven German teens we renamed the Guntar and the Magnificent Seven. Or the time we spent 15 hours on a bus from Galway Ireland to London including a ferry ride that had him holed up under a table due to his fear of water. When a person leaves this world, they take so much with them, I want just a few more minutes to tell him how much we loved him but alas, it was not to be.

Much of this was brought on by google searches of treatment options so I decided that until I know what I am dealing with there is no sense in scaring the crap out of myself. Life is short and long all at the same time. We don't relish in the time we spend doing the mundane like laundry or grocery shopping but we do hold on to the little nuggets of perfection that arise out of the depth of the minutia that is life. The all nighter with your love just to see the sunrise, the smell of ocean on a foreign land, the perfect morsel of food in a tiny cafe half way around the world. Priceless memories that can make you smile days, months, years and even decades later.

So here I am, hours away from learning another truth that will send me in a different direction. I feel like the last three weeks have been in a strange pause mode. Today is also a month since my hysterectomy but until I typed these words, I had forgotten that I even had surgery. My procedure was done robotically and I was in and out of the hospital in under 10 hours which even according to my doctor who performed the operation is practically unheard of. A part of me must have seen this as a dare, how quickly can you be discharged and I am typically up for a challenge. Maybe I can channel my competitiveness into the next chapter of my life. Time will tell.